- me to all my friends: YOU CAN DO IT. YOU MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. LET'S DO THIS TOGETHER. COME ON!!!
- me to myself: you fucking piece of shit you will amount to nothing nothing is worth it your feelings are irrational go sleep for 22 hours
what she said.
HEY Y’ALL WANNA KNOW WHAT’S TOUGH AS SHIT
- Having been abused as child, plus
- Raising a ~spirited~ toddler, plus
- Sticking to gentle/attachment parenting
my new job is in the suburbs of chicago. i drive mostly every day to and from the office. it’s boring and sometimes long. i have started listening to music from my old ipod that hasn’t been updated in about 5 or 6 years. all music from the peak of my music listening career. a song came on that i love, but also that signifies one of the darkest days of my life. and i listened to it, while crying, stuck in traffic in the north chicago suburbs. that was the song i was listening to when i knew, just knew, that i was going to die. that i was going to kill myself and be done with it all. the first time. there was a second time i made that promise to myself, and in classic me fashion, did not own up to said promise. thankfully.
i wasn’t crying, this time along, because of sadness. but because it was the first time i realized that had i done that, i wouldn’t have what i have now. there’d be no loving husband, or perfect son who i adore. when we are in the depths of depression and sickness, there’s no possible way to think about anything else but those depths and the hopelessness. i don’t know how i made it. i don’t. but i am so happy i did.
that was last week. this week has made me ponder all of this further. i can’t say how sad i am. or how this changes anything. i can say the same thing everyone else who has been through it knows. it’s always hard to lose someone to the fight. to the illness.
all i want to do is focus on the good things, the things that make me want to live. so, here’s to the future.
we’ve got an enormous toddler on our hands.
i am leaving my job to work at another, better job. i am going from a non-profit medical society to a well-known luxury furniture store corporate office. it’s extremely exciting. i get to go back to doing what i love, but it is also longer hours and less time with the boy. i already felt like i had no time with him.
also, i am constantly ill in some way. stupid toddlers.